Oh, “Amber”……

I did that thing again where it has been a while since I posted. I wanted to write a post about my online dating adventures, but I was struggling to find the words. I need to preface this post with a statement and a warning.

Statement: I have terrible luck with online dating. No joke, I seem to be a magnet for two types of men, those who think I must be desperate, and those who think I will take care of them.

WARNING: This post contains some inappropriate content. My most recent online experience was a little out of control, and what prompted this post….as well as the post’s title.

I have tried a lot of dating sites out there. LDS Singles, LDSPlanet, Farmers Only, Black People Meet, Bumble, Match, Facebook, Mutual, Tinder (before I realized what it was…..), at least one or two others I can’t remember the names of. I had never signed up for eHarmony because it is really expensive. Quarantine must be getting to me, because I finally signed up for eHarmony in hopes that it would finally lead me to the perfect match….and expecting it to be a different caliber of dating site. But let’s start from the beginning. I am going to tell you about several of the men I have chatted with online (in order). I have given them all nicknames. Enjoy.

Manchester United: I started my online dating adventure when I was 24. My very first ever online dating experience brought me in contact with Manchester United who lived in England with his 14 year old daughter. He seemed really nice. Good job, in his early forties, maybe a little more into futbol than I would have liked, but at least I like futbol. On day two of chatting he told me that I was amazing and voluptuous……and then he asked me to marry him. I sent back an LOL and told him I can’t marry someone I’ve never actually met. He told me he prayed and we were meant to be together. I blocked him.

Farmers: This one is a collection of men. I signed up for Farmer’s Only at the suggestion of my friend’s husband. The only problem was…..every man who seemed to be interested in me was old enough to be my father….or older. I gave it a month and then closed my account

Chocolate: This one is a collection of men as well…two to be exact. Again, at the suggestion of a friend I signed up for Black People Meet. I will add that this friend is African American. Yes, I am a white girl. Yes, I find my self more attracted to chocolate colored men than men of other colors. I got similar messages from two different men on this site. Both starting with “you aren’t black so why are you here” then they went on to tell me that I looked older than I said I was (curse my premature white hairs….this is when I started dying my hair), and that I was too fat and ugly to be datable. Disheartened, I closed my account after two days.

With no luck on a variety of sites (except for a few invitations to have a hookup, which I politely declined), I stopped online dating for a couple of years. About a year ago, I decided to try my luck again. That’s when things started to get really good.

Footsie: I think feet are kind of gross. All of the things they walk on, foot sweat, dirt and germs. Ew. Footsie, as you have probably guessed, has a foot fetish. He asked me when he could come over and worship my feet. I was turned off, and told him that I didn’t want my feet worshiped. Then he asked if he could come over and watch movies and “suck on [my] juicy boobies.” I blocked him.

Manny: Manny seemed like a genuinely nice guy. Polite, good grammar usage, thoughtful. And then we got around to the subject of where we live (not address, just house or apartment, nice part of town or not)…Manny lives in prison. Yep. Prison. He is looking for a good woman to come home to when he gets out of prison. I told him that while people make mistakes and should be forgiven, I wasn’t really looking to wait 5-7 years for a relationship. After he admitted that he wasn’t supposed to be on dating sites, I also suggested that he follow the rules so he would be out in 5 years instead of 7. What was Manny in prison for? Manslaughter….hence his nickname.

Stalker: Stalker was very in to wanting to meet me and be together…right from the start. I told him I didn’t want to rush into anything. His last message before I told him we weren’t meant to be and I blocked him was “it looks like we only live about a mile from each other.” Shudder. I worried for a while after I blocked him that he was going to show up at my apartment. Thankfully, I live in a locked building.

Stubborn: I don’t love social media. I do have several social media accounts though. I don’t have Kik. Stubborn wanted me to sign up for Kik so we could talk outside of the dating site. I told him what other sites I have accounts on and asked if he had an account on one of those. He said no, that he only uses Kik and that we can only talk if I get it. I told him that I just wasn’t in to him enough sign up for Kik. He told me I will die alone. I may die alone, but at least I won’t die in a controlling relationship….that seems like a good silver lining.

You Playin’: I believe in being honest. When you know something isn’t going to work, say so. time is precious and, in my opinion, the most valuable thing we have. I could tell pretty quickly that You Playin’ and I weren’t going to work out. For starters, he is a smoker. I don’t have a lot of deal breakers, but that is one. I told him that I didn’t think we were meant to be and that I didn’t want to waste his time. He responded with “you playin’?” I said no because I think relationship games are stupid. He responded with “you B****, why u wasting my time?” I blocked him.

To the point: I like people who get straight to the point. I have gotten lots of requests to “cuddle” but usually after a little chatting. This one is my favorite:

Figuring I wasn’t getting anywhere, I closed down all but two of my profiles, and resigned myself to a life of spinsterhood. I even posted this on Facebook:

And then quarantine and eHarmony.

Wait, what?: This guy seemed pretty nice at first. But like most of my experiences, it all boiled down to sex:

I suppose at this juncture, I should tell you that although I am in my thirties, I have never had sex. I’m not interested in giving away the cookies in the cookie jar for free. I believe that you should have sex with someone you trust and I obviously haven’t found that person yet.

Denver: This is my favorite story, and the whole reason for this post. Denver gets his name because of the closest airport to him. Denver’s messages started out right away with “let’s talk and make plans.” In fact, every message ended with that. I finally asked him if he was okay with the fact that I live on the west coast and he lives in Colorado. He said he was. I liked his profile and he seemed interesting….so I made the mistake of giving him my phone number. He called me on a Saturday while I was napping. I called him back when I woke up. Things started off really well. Denver was easy to talk to and made me laugh. About 10 minutes into the conversation, he asked me how easily I come. I changed the subject. about 30 minutes into our conversation, he started asking me all sorts of questions about sex. Do I masturbate, are my nipples sensitive, do I like having sex. Feeling super uncomfortable, I told him I haven’t had sex and changed the subject. Like a dog with a bone he came right back to it. I felt uncomfortable and panicky. I’ll admit, when this happens and I don’t have time to process things, I become unresponsive, which is often taken as agreeable. I’m working on this. Next thing I know I am supposed to come visit him Memorial Day weekend and he would gladly provide me with my first sexual experience……complete with him explaining all of the things he would do to me. I was too stunned to hang up. When mostly one sided conversation ended. I actually said out loud (pardon the language) “what the fuck just happened?” Then I started talking to my circle of friends and we all agreed that something was off and I needed to “break-up” with this creep. The next morning, Denver starts calling me at 7 am….WAY to early. I called him back later and the conversation went something like this:

“Hey how are you?” “I’m good, I don’t have long this morning, how are you?” “I’m good, so I was looking at flights last night and it is actually a really good time to buy tickets, they’re only like $180 round trip. So what are you doing today, oh probably working on your dissertation. I am going to go out and get some food and some drinks and come home and build my new rowing machine. It’s a really nice rowing machine, top of the line. It’s the same one that they use in those competitions for…what’s it called? It’s where they have women lifting Olympic sized weights…oh yeah, Cross-fit. It’s the same kind that they use in Cross-fit competitions. It should be really easy to put together, it only has six screws. Okay, well I know you didn’t have long, I can’t wait to see you in a few weeks. Bye.” “Bye.” Again, once I hung up the phone, I said “what the fuck just happened” out loud and then I texted my sister. After a day of worrying, I decided I was going to have to text him, since I could never seem to get a word in edgewise. Our conversation went like this:

Poor “Amber.” If she really does exist, which I suspect she doesn’t, I feel bad for her. She ended up with a rotten egg. Or maybe they deserve each other. I was totally disgusted that he spent the weekend with “Amber” and yet was making plans with me to come visit him. What a jerk….shudder. If he was hoping to make me feel bad about “missing out” and violate me in the only way he knew how, it didn’t work. All he did was validate my bad feeling about him. And as for “Amber” one of my friends now says “Don’t be like Amber” and another of my friends likes to make me laugh by saying “Yeah, well you know, Amber loves anal.”

I’m not giving up, but I have learned some life lessons. Don’t give out your phone number and it is okay to hold out for the right guy. He is out there somewhere and when I find him I’ll know. So, until next time:

Don’t be like Amber!