Bittersweet Memory
This is my mom at her and my dad’s reception. The man standing next to her is her father. I’ve always felt she looked loveliest when she was laughing. ❤️
My mom died when I was twenty-two, more than a third of my life ago. Much like me, she struggled with depression. I don’t know about anxiety, but I definitely know she suffered from depression. Sometimes she could be an amazing vibrant woman, and others she could be cold and manipulative. When I was younger, I never really thought much of my parent’s actions. I didn’t know any different and I was happy. Looking back I can definitely see some…..questionable…..parenting practices, but I always knew that they loved me. Even when they didn’t say it. Growing up, I was often told to push through, buck up, not let things bother me…..FYI telling a depressed teenager to just get over it isn’t really a good idea.
I don’t share these things so that you will feel bad for me. I’ve had a good life and I appreciate my experiences. They have all fit together like colored glass to make me the beautiful mosaic I am today. I do tell you these things so that hopefully you can learn from them like I did. Telling me to push through made me into a fighter. Leaving me alone to my own devices made me independent. Spending Sundays watching 60 Minutes and Murder, She Wrote helped me to value family time. Some of my family members being overly competitive at games helped me to learn to just have fun playing games and to be okay with losing. Some of my family members liking to play “my horse is bigger than your horse” helped me to learn that some people just need to feel important and validated, it doesn’t mean that my accomplishments or trials are any smaller.
You are probably wondering why I brought all of this up. I have a daily struggle with myself where I almost constantly feel like I am a bad person. While I recognize that I am only one person and that I really am enough, I often don’t feel like it. This is one of the reasons that I like doing things for other people so much. When I do nice things for other people and bring them joy, for a little while I can’t focus on me and my imagined insufficiency. (I’m getting to the moral of the story, I promise!) When I was little, I would get overwhelmed with my feelings of inadequacy (I didn’t realize then that I just had severe anxiety and clinical depression). I would go find my mom sitting on the couch and lay down next to her with my head on her lap. She would stroke my hair for a few minutes and ask what was wrong. Her response was always to buck up, but in those few moments when she was stroking my hair, I could feel her love for me.
I made a mistake when refilling my prescriptions and filled the wrong set. Much to my sadness on Saturday, I didn’t have my much needed anxiety medicine….and it being the weekend means that the prescription wouldn’t go out until today, and I probably won’t get it until Wednesday. The withdrawals are kind of a B. I feel moody and anxious, and worst of all, I have a killer migraine. I took a nap this afternoon in an effort to quell my migraine so I could get back to work. While I slept I had a dream that my mom was sitting on my couch. I laid down on the couch and put my head on her lap. She started stroking my hair. It felt so nice to be close to her, I wanted to savor every moment, but I was also nervous for when the moment would be spoiled by her asking what was wrong and telling me to get over it. And then she said “you know what honeybee, I know things seem hard right now, but I promise you, everything is going to be okay.” I started crying and just savored being close to her. Waking up was sad, but my soul felt more at peace than it has in a while.
She’s right. Everything is going to be okay. And while I will get up and keep going because I know that’s what I have to do, I will let myself feel my feelings. And I will continue to reach out to others and to practice compassion and empathy. And to you I say, I know things are hard right now, but everything is going to be okay. You’ve got this. You are an amazing, resilient, deserving human being. You are enough. Stay strong, stay safe, and stay healthy!
