Keep Pushing Through

I’ve spent a good portion of my life in my own company. When things get boring I add a little challenge or flavor (5 years of Doctoral classes anyone?). When things get rough, I push through. When life seems like and endless string of waking up, working, and going to bed….I push through. I have an innate drive to keep going. But on the inside I’m struggling to breathe.

Sometimes pushing through is doing bare minimum self care, while pretending to be vibrant and happy and making it seem like I have my shit together…..then coming home and sitting in my recliner for hours staring at the wall. Sometimes it’s going places I don’t want to go and doing things I don’t want to do to make other people happy. Sometimes it’s buying new things to feel a little spark of joy but instantly regretting my decision.

I’m currently in a depressed state. I’m not 100% sure why, but as usual I am pushing through. When I am like this, I try not to make big decisions. Today I bought a new car. It’s more car than I probably needed, and my new payment is more than I wanted it to be, but I oddly don’t regret my decision. Part of me thinks I should….but I don’t. I had two requirements. Auto locking doors and a moon roof. She has both. She also has cooling seats, which is delightful since they are leather. Is this lack of guilt progress….or will the guilt set in tomorrow. I guess we’ll see.