Is This Survival?

I feel like that is a pretty legit question these days. I started this blog for my mental health, and that is definitely what you are about to get a big dose of today. It has been a LONG and VERY BUMPY ride to find an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety combination that actually works for me. Then along comes Lumpy, the “breast” cancer buddy you could ask for (<— that was a terrible attempt at a joke), and everything crumbles to hell.

That actually isn’t true. After I got antibiotics to clear up the skin infection I ended up with after radiation, my skin started feeling better and I was feeling better inside and out. I may have still been suffering from fatigue…but I was happy. My brain fog was clearing. I had more energy than I could remember having in ages. Life was wonderful for a week. Then I went to my medical oncologist and started taking Tamoxifen.

Here I am going to take you on a very relevant tangent. There is a whole story behind why I didn’t want to take Tamoxifen, but the short of it is: I did research about the side effects (medical journals and legit medical websites…..not WebMD or just cancer patient groups) and learned that it can have a serious interaction with my main depression medicine. It also can have a big impact on my blood sugar. I went to the oncologist back in January and told him my concerns. He made me feel like a terrible, selfish human with unreasonable concerns. Why wouldn’t I want to take a life-saving medicine that increases my already pretty good chances of non-recurrence (by about 2%, which is statistically insignificant given the vast sample size)? He then told me my other option. Truthfully, I hated both options but committed to giving Tamoxifen a try (the other option involves monthly shots to put my ovaries to sleep and a daily pill). Sadly, Polaris agreed with the Doctor because doctor’s know best (do they?? we are all built differently). When I went to pick up the Tamoxifen last week, my Pharmacist was pissed. She wanted to know if my doctor had told me all of the risks of taking Tamoxifen with my current conditions and list of medications. I told her the story, which only made her more upset. I told her I committed to 6 weeks. Thankfully the Tamoxifen was free with my insurance and I am happy because it is derived from tree bark.

Okay, back to the main story. It’s been a week, and I officially hate the Tamoxifen. I’m not sure if I am physically going to be able to make it 6 weeks without going legitimately cray cray. I started with the normal symptoms: nausea, diarrhea and constipation, aches and pains, hot flashes, and gnarly night sweats. Then, the side effects began to ramp up. First, it was insomnia and intense dry mouth at night. Then my fatigue got worse, I got joint pain, my hair started falling out, I started to get tingling sensations, dry mouth started to be an all-day thing, and I would wake up with the kind of cramps that made me think my uterus had magically grown back.

Suddenly, yesterday, the INSIDE OF MY BONES started hurting. I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW THEY COULD DO THAT! Every time I move, I get sharp pains, and my joints protest…..this must be what 90-year-old women feel like. Today, everything was overwhelming. It doesn’t help that I had a very real dream (real, like the kind that become deja vu for me later) that Polaris hated it here and decided we weren’t compatible, so he went home. That sparked me asking him what would happen if he got bored or hated it here…..which ended up in an unpleasant discussion that made me wonder once again if two people with such different belief systems and experiences can make a life together work.

So then I was standing in front of the mirror looking at myself, which is something I do when I am really depressed, and I haven’t done it for at least a year. I was feeling vulnerable and lonely….which, of course, is when intrusive thoughts like to visit. Today’s intrusive thought: If I were to kill myself, how long would it take for someone to notice I am missing? I’m sure Polaris would just think I am mad at him at first (although I never ignore his messages even when I am mad because I believe communication is the way to solve miscommunication), but how long would it take for him to reach out to my sister (or more likely my dad) to ask if she has heard from me? Would my sister reach out to my friends, or would she or my dad come over? At what point would my boss worry? Would my friends worry?

The thought scared me. I realize I wasn’t really thinking about killing myself, but that is the closest thought I have ever had to it (usually, my thought is, “Everything would be easier if I didn’t have to do this anymore”). I texted my sister. I wasn’t expecting her to call me, but she did. She made me laugh right away by asking if I was pregnant. I laughed and told her I was having quintuplets. But then we got serious, and I told her about my thoughts. I didn’t want anyone to worry, but I knew I needed to tell someone about it.

I also told her about my other new fun symptoms today of not being able to remember how to log into my work computer and having my mind go so blank during a meeting today that there were literally no thoughts in my head……which is SUPER weird since there are usually about five running around in there at any given time. I cried some more and then we laughed some more. She always knows just how to make me feel better. And I got her to tell me about her day, which always makes me happy. We both tend to bottle things up because we don’t want to be a bother. And yet, we are both always so anxious to listen to each other.

So, why am I telling you all of this? Partially because I need to get it off of my chest. And partially because there might be someone else out there who is having the exact same struggles I am. I read that a lot of women don’t stay on Tamoxifen because of the side effects. Some of my side effects (cough, cough, bone pain) are rare. 2% isn’t really worth it to me when I end up with other side effects that are diminishing my quality of life. So I live to 80 instead of 90. I’m not even sure I want to live another 50 years….the world seems to be spiraling into chaos. Maybe I’m destined to live to 100, so I go at 98 instead; that still seems like a damn good long life to me. And who really knows anyway, I could have any number of accidents. Or the Tamoxifen could give me a blood clot that kills me…….the possibilities in this life are endless.

If you happen upon this blog page (that has a current readership of one……me) and need someone to talk to about your mental health (or whatever), my contact information is on my landing page. I’m a pretty good listener.

Until next time, give yourself some grace, be kind to everyone (including YOU), and look for sunshine in everything.