I’m Always Apologizing
For real though. It’s been almost 6 months to the day since I last posted. I didn’t mean to stay away so long. Life has been particularly hard to handle this year. I feel like I am constantly swimming against the current and going nowhere. There is so much the same as it was 6 months ago that it feels a little ridiculous:
Cancer meds are still making me sick (the next step is to take out my ovaries in November).
Polaris is still in North Africa (although his immigration has been approved and we are waiting on a document from the translator to submit for his visa…he should be able to pick up the document tomorrow).
I still feel like I am a constant failure at work
And I still feel completely alone.
But at the same time (and as you can see above) things are trying to change. I’ve started talking to my brother (who I have been estranged from for 5 years) and he is going to come and stay with me for a bit so I won’t be alone while I am recovering from surgery. I’m very hopeful that I will get to go visit my in-laws and bring Polaris home with me in December. AND we are hopeful that we will be able to move to the east coast next summer. I’m hoping for the week of Independence Day.
Anyhow, all of this “staying the same” got me thinking about why I love horror movies so much. I know that sounds weird, just stick with me and I’ll explain. I have been feeling pretty apathetic lately. I think that the overwhelm just got to be so much that my brain was like “fuck this shit, I’m not going to give a fuck about anything….let’s turn these feelings off.” It’s resulted in me getting into some interesting situations…like agreeing to let someone come stay with me during surgery and accepting help without resistance. If you know me in real life then you know how amazing that is.
I have been independent for so long that I really struggle with anyone helping me. I forget that just because I can do everything myself, it doesn’t mean that I have to. So we get to the horror movies. My life has been a lot of nightmare moments….and my nights are filled with literal nightmares (although now they are also filled with night sweats, hot flashes, and terrible insomnia….I’ve had trouble sleeping for as long as I can remember but this menopause insomnia is a whole other level of shit). Horror movies bring me an odd sense of comfort. As bad as things may seem, at least I’m not being stalked by Michael Meyers, mocked by Pennywise the Clown, or living in complete silence because of weird aliens that can’t handle sound. Additionally, the timeline that we are on is so ridiculous that horror movies seem like a sense of order in the chaos.
That being said…it’s currently October 7 in the Middle East. The genocide in Gaza has been going on for one year now. Israel’s aggression has expanded to Lebanon, which has been under attack for two weeks already. Meanwhile, here in the US, we have a significant timeline decision coming up. Do we elect the mentally unstable Umpalumpa who wants to turn the presidency into a dictatorship, further strip away the rights and freedoms of US citizens and residents, and take the world into another global war? Or \do we elect the woman who seems promising, but my intuition also says that she isn’t trustworthy, and her allegiance to Israel is troubling? I’m not looking forward to seeing what happens….I’m actually quite scared.
Anyhow….I am going to do another horror movie countdown to Halloween…check it out on the Movies Page.
