Hard Decisions

Life is full of decisions. Some are easy and some are hard. Some are easy and hard at the same time. They all lead us to a new place. The months since my last post have gone by super fast, and yet nothing has really changed. I am still loving TikTok. I’ve made more amazing friends who I can’t wait to meet in person. I rewrote my dissertation again…but it seems to be the last time (fingers crossed!). Just a few more edits and I will finally get to go to the Institutional Review Board (2021 looks like it might be the year).

So…why the title and all the discussion about decisions? I suppose I should start from the beginning. Just a forewarning that this is going to be about female anatomy and menstruation, so if you aren’t into that…I recommend not reading any further.

I started having my period when I was nine. I was the first girl I knew to be having a period. It was fairly normal until I was about 12, then it started being an unpredictable jerk. I was put on several different forms of birth control to try to regulate me, but the hormones made me crazy. Around 16 I started bleeding every day so I never wanted to go out or do anything. When I was in my early 20’s I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome after my first cyst popped (talk about pain….I thought I was having appendicitis again). Around 25 I stopped having a period completely. After I turned 30 I had a period once or twice a year. Intermittently from my early 20’s to now, I have had a number of cysts burst.

Before I continue, I should say that after I stopped having my period every day, my periods became completely unbearable. the pain from the cramps was so bad it would put me out of commission….and of course that never happened at a convenient time. I would have to take time off of work. About a year ago, I started having a regular(ish) period. I say regularish because my cycle is between 30 and 40 days long. That’s when the fun really started.

The week I ovulate I act like a moody (mostly cranky) crazy person. I get really snippy and apologize a lot. Then the cramps start. Imagine you have a squirrel couple living in your belly trying to claw their way out. That’s how it felt the first time. Nesting squirrels for two weeks. The second week of cramping my period would start. One day of light flow, three days of HEAVY flow, a day of mediumish flow, and one more day of light flow. I have to pack extra clothes for work and make frequent trips to the bathroom so I don’t bleed through my outfits….but I usually do anyway. The week after my period I am so tired I want to sleep. All the while I am trying to maintain a normal schedule and miss a LOT of work.

Back to the squirrels. Imagine that the couple from the first period procreated…..during their weeks of hibernation. That makes more angry squirrels during the next period. Now imagine that the squirrels procreate each time…so each period is more painful than the last. After a year of that, the pain has become desperately unbearable. The bleeding has also gotten worse every time, to the point that I almost feel like dying would actually be better. I’ve given my period a lot of thought and finally decided to go see my primary doctor.

I love my primary doctor. I will admit that I picked her specifically because she has a fabulous name and is black. Best decision ever. She listens to me and works with me for the best end result. Our conversation went a lot like this:

Dr: Tell me what is going on,

Me: Explains situation complete with nesting squirrels (she added that to her docto'r’s notes!).

Dr: How do you feel about trying the pill?

Me: Explains how crazy the pill made me.

Dr: Let’s talk about an IUD.

Me: Unenthusiastically discusses the possibility of an IUD.

Dr: Decides I should get a pelvic ultrasound to see if there is anything going on with my uterus and blood work to see if I am anemic.

Me: Can I ask you a question?

Doctor: Always!

Me: What hoops would insurance make me jump through before we can just take my uterus out?

[long pause]

Dr: You want that?

Me: Yes

Dr: You won’t be able to have children.

Me. I know. I’ve given it a lot of thought and I feel with my shitty genes it would be irresponsible for me to have children. I would be devastated if I passed this on to a daughter….we know my female problems are genetic.

Dr: That seems like good logic. But are you sure?

Me: [hesitates. takes a deep breath] I’m sure.

Dr: No hoops, I’ll send in a referral for an OBGYN. You are 37 and it sounds like you aren’t rushing into this. A hysterectomy will definitely help improve your quality of life.

I have an ultrasound on April 9 and I am still waiting for the OBGYN’s office to call me and schedule an appointment. I appreciate that my doctor let me make my decision and didn’t offer judgement. I wish some of my friends and coworkers would offer me the same courtesy. I have received an array of reactions from “but it is your obligation to have children” to “are you really a woman if you don’t have a uterus?” to “what can I do to help you when you have surgery” and “how does that make you feel emotionally?” One of my friends has even offered to drive over from the other side of the state to stay with me during my recovery.

So, why did I tell you all this? My hope is that another woman who is struggling with this same decision will read this and know that she isn’t alone. Choosing to have my uterus removed was a HARD decision. Once upon a time I really wanted to have children. But not being able to have my own children doesn’t mean that I won’t be able to raise children. I could adopt, or find a partner that already has kids. I can continue to love the children that are in my life….and someday their children should they choose to have them. Uterus or no uterus, I am still a woman. I’m still amazing. My uterus doesn’t make me who I am, it’s just a part of me. A part of me that is negatively impacting my quality of life. Although the decision was hard, I know that I made the right one.

Hard decisions are going to come. What you choose is part of what makes you who you are. So, when the time comes….make the best decision for you. Don’t worry what anyone else thinks. As long as you feel good about the decision you make and you make the decision for YOU, everything will work itself out in the end.

Until next time, remember that you are valid, you are amazing, and you are always more than enough. Stay safe!