Telling Stories with Tattoos

I have been enamored with tattoos since I was at least five. My first memory of seeing tattoos was at the beach on Guam. We lived on the Navy base and of course the sailors were shirtless at the beach. The colorful patterns fascinated me and I would try to imagine the stories that went with each tattoo. I knew then that I wanted a tattoo, but I grew up believing that getting a tattoo was showing disrespect for my body.

Fast forward 30 years. I’m living by myself, just turned 35, at a pretty low point in my life, and my brain ran out of arguments as to why I shouldn’t get a tattoo. I could see myself with with a tattoo on my wrist. So, armed with my friend Sara, I went to Night Owl Tattoo (now called Unknown Tattoo) and told Andrew what I wanted…..a lotus flower with a semi-colon. He drew the perfect thing and I was done in 30 minutes. Five months later I had five tattoos. Andrew did the first two, and Jimmy at Mothership Connection Tattoo did the other three (all in the same day might I add…..not my smartest decision, but I don’t regret it).

So, these are the tattoos I have, for now. I really want three more, and to get Orion fixed. Maybe someday, or maybe never. Only time will tell. I hope you enjoy my stories. I’d love to hear about your tattoos and their stories, feel free to shoot me a message.

The Lotus

Lotus flowers grow through thick mud to reach the surface. When they do, they are beautiful, brilliant, and clean. I love looking at them and I admire their resilience. When my sister was going through a divorce, I bought her a lotus necklace so that she could remember how tough she is and how sometimes we go through things to make ourselves better. I have been through a lot of crap in my life, but I feel that I have been resilient….like a lotus.

A semi-colon is one of my favorite pieces of grammar because it shows where the author could have ended a sentence, but they chose to go on. Semi-colons have become a symbol for depression and self harm. I am very open about my mental health. I know that my brain is chemically imbalanced, and I work very hard to keep myself in check. When I was in high school and my first year at university, I would relieve my pain by making small cuts on my left wrist or my right thigh. I know it seems crazy, but it helped.

In high school it was easy because I had razor blades and could lightly slice my skin. I know how to do it just enough so it would bleed, but it wouldn’t scar. They looked like little cat scratches, and so that is what I would tell people they were if they saw them…but since I wore only long sleeve shirts and sweatshirts, people rarely noticed. My parents certainly didn’t notice…..only my friend Kelsey caught on to the fact that I didn’t have a cat, but she was never mean about the “scratches.” I know she worried though. This was also the period of my life where I was on a boat load of antidepressants and antipsychotics because my mom had my therapist convinced that I was bipolar (this is a story for another day…..). When I am out in the sun for too long and my arm gets red, you can sometimes see the evidence of these scratches if you press down on the skin turning it white, but there is no sign of these scars under normal conditions.

When I went away to college, I didn’t take my razors with me because I didn’t want to get into trouble. I don’t remember the circumstances anymore, but I remember feeling the need to cut, prying the razor blade out of the razor I used to shave my legs, and making a cut on my wrist. The blade was dirty and dull. Because it was dull I had to press harder to get the blade to cut my skin. I ended up making a cut that was too deep, too long, and too close to my artery. I panicked. It took forever to get the bleeding to stop. Part of me didn’t want it to stop….it was the one and only time I have ever thought that maybe dying would be better. I probably should have gotten some help, but I was scared I would get in trouble. I patched myself up and wore a sweater for the next several weeks until my wrist healed. That cut left a scar. It is easy to miss if you don’t know it is there, but it is a constant reminder of the day my sentence could have stopped, but I chose to keep going.

So we come to my choice of tattoo, a lotus flower with a semi-colon. I had seen a lot of these tattoos on pinterest, but I didn’t like how the semi-colon never seemed to fit in the ones I saw. Andrew let me place the tattoo template exactly where I wanted it and I placed it so that the semi-colon straddles my scar.

I am Enough

My second tattoo came because I needed a reminder that I am enough. In a previous post I discussed how I always feel like a bad person. This feeling leads to me feeling like I am not enough. Not pretty enough, good enough, smart enough, kind enough, supportive enough….you get the idea. I needed a physical reminder that I am enough. So, I put one on myself. If you were to look at me, you can’t see what I can see because it is backwards, but when I look in the mirror, I can read the words, I am enough. I see it every day after I shower or when I am getting ready for work. A gentle reminder to be kind to myself because I am enough.

Rose and Lily

I was named after my great grandmother Susannah (although I like my SuziAnna much better). Susannah translates from the Hebrew word shoshanna. Shoshanna can be interpreted as either rose or lily of the valley depending on how it is used. I think both of these flowers are beautiful. Roses are pretty and sweet smelling….a little thorny, but no real harm done. Lily of the valley are dainty bell shaped flowers. They also smell lovely, but they are poisonous. I find it fitting that both of these flowers are sweet and beautiful to look at, but can be dangerous if you mess with them…..like me. While I would never intentionally physically harm another person, I can be quite sassy and firey if you upset me.

I typed “rose and lily of the valley” into Pinterest to see some pictures of the two and get inspiration for my shoulder tattoo and I found the perfect tattoo on someone else’s foot. Jimmy said that tattoo would be fun because he had never tried that type of lining before. He added white and made it look extra stunning. We also added my mom’s initials.

Orion

My sister is my favorite person in the whole world….so needless to say I love her more than anyone else. I love several people, but she holds the most room in my heart. We have lived mostly apart since she was 18. We also became friends after she moved out. I think it was good for her to put some distance between herself and my Mom. I also stopped letting the “why can’t you be more like your sister” and “your sister never caused me this much trouble” comments from my mom get to me after my sister moved out. During the period where my sister lived in Utah and I was living by myself in Spokane, we would talk on the phone almost every evening. She was home all day with her amazing kids and so the only time she really had was at night. When we were missing each other a lot, we would go outside, find Orion in the night sky, and find comfort in the fact that we were both looking at the same thing, at the same time. We live a part again. I have the constellation on my right wrist and it helps me feel closer to her when I look at it. I want to get it fixed. It isn’t complete and I don’t love the way it looks. There should be five outer dots, and I want them to be stars.

Chakras

My last tattoo is the second and sixth chakras. I designed this tattoo, but Jimmy added character to it so that it would match the flowers on my shoulder. Chakras are described in ancient Sanskrit and Hinduism as our centers of energy. There are seven of them. You can read more about Chakras on the Holistic Harmony Blog.

The second Chakra, the sacral chakra or Svadhishthana, is located just below your navel. It is represented by the color orange and symbolizes your creative energy and how you connect with others. In short terms, it is to feel. In my tattoo, this is the outer part that looks like a flower or the sun.

The sixth Chakra, the third-eye chakra or Anja, is located in the middle of your forehead. It is represented by the color indigo and symbolizes your intuition, imagination, and wisdom. In short terms, it is to see. In my tattoo this is the Sanskrit character that looks like a 3 with an eye over it.

While we need all seven Chakras to be in harmony, we all have some that are more dominant in us that others. My two dominant Chakras are to feel and to see. Two things I do pretty well.