I’m Not Who I Was Yesterday

I’ve started this post several times now, but nothing seems to come out right. It has been a while since my last post…and I am way behind on movie reviews. I have several started that I need to finish. I just…I don’t know. I went to bed last night feeling like normal, and woke up today feeling different. Older. Wiser. More cynical. Like a complete fraud. I can’t help but wonder…am I being my authentic self?

I am usually a mixture of sunshine, rainbows, and an internal thunderstorm. My thunderstorm tells me that I am not enough. That I am a bad person. That people will figure out who I really am and not like me. The interesting thing is that I feel I present the most authentic version of myself to others as possible. I am inherently positive toward others. I want people to succeed and be their best selves. I believe everyone should be treated with kindness. Am I always happy? No. Am I always nice? No. So am I really being authentic?

I know that this internal struggle is a result of my life experiences. I purposely distance myself from others because I am not inherently trusting. Also as a clairsentient person it is easier to keep other people’s energies away. If I don’t let people in, they can’t hurt me. Somewhere over the past year I let my guard down and let people in. Is it because I got so lonely thanks to COVID and quarantining that I was literally going crazy? Is it because I turned 36 (now 37)?

I believe it was the Universe bringing people in my life that need to be here. Now the hard part is sorting out who needs to stay and who I should let go of. Some of the decisions are easy, but others are complicated. Enter my imposter syndrome, which makes everything harder. One of my new people called me sunshine in human form. But am I? Or am I a bolt of lightning that seems like sunshine?

Yesterday’s brain says I should let everyone go. I don’t need other people in my life. I can take care of myself. I am fine alone. New wiser me knows that while my brain is right about not needing anyone, that doesn’t mean that I don’t want other people in my life. Today’s brain says I should be patient and give it time. I may not need other people, but maybe they need me. I don’t know.

I’m not sure that that will make sense to anyone else, but I feel better getting it out. Until next time remember that you are valid, you are worthy, you are loved, and you are more than enough. Stay safe.