Wow…6 Months Already?

Well, I’m rather embarrassed that it’s been so long since I’ve posted anything. Fair warning, I am feeling a bit feisty and overly honest. Also I’m trying something new by dictating my post. I’ll try to go back and clean it up, but please forgive any grammatical or sentence structure issues.

To the computer user in Virginia that has viewed my page 58 times in the last month…you should say hi. I have a contact info page 🙂.

There has definitely been a lot going on the past six months. I got a new job (well, it actually found me,) lost my V card, graduated with a doctorate degree, went to Ireland, got two new tattoos, and have been out on some dates. Not in that order that’s just the way it came to my brain. I also graduated from therapy, for better or worse… Maybe for worse, OK OK probably for better.

Life has been really good, but also really rocky. I know it’s going out of order, but let’s start with therapy. I started therapy at the end of last year. I thought it would be a really great way to deal with some of my issues…turns out I’ve already dealt with most of my issues. My therapist said I was one of the most self-aware people she never met. We talked for several months. It was very productive but it was mostly me talking and doing the analysis at the same time. My therapist told me that I don’t really need her and that I’m actually pretty good at reasoning things out on my own. The problem with reasoning things out on my own as I kind of feel like it makes my brain a little bit more of a wreck. I know what’s wrong with me. I know when somethings not right, but I have trouble fixing it, you know?

To understand how I’ve been feeling, I suppose I should tell you about my new job next. I wasn’t looking for a new job. It’s true I wasn’t happy at my old job, but I wasn’t looking for anything new. I planned on looking for something new after I graduated, but not when my new job found me. I got a random call from a recruiter telling me about this really awesome sounding trust accounting job it felt right. I interviewed ,I interviewed again, and I got the position. And it was going to work out perfectly I could quit my current job go to Ireland and then come back to a new job…except the job I had at the time kind of pitched a cow about that. So I had to come back from Ireland and work for three days before I started my new job. Mot entirely sure why I gave into that but I did.

The new job is good. My boss is nice. My team is really nice. I have 13 staff members and I feel appreciated, most of the time. I know the past couple of weeks have been a bit of an anomaly I haven’t been feeling good (it turns out that my CPAP wasn’t set to the right setting so I haven’t been sleeping well for months and culminated in several asthma attacks and a brain that just wasn’t working properly). This week was awful I made some mistakes I ended up having to leave work early so that I could go to the clinic..,which was great because they learned about my problem, but at the same time it put me behind and everything.

I’m trying to give myself some grace I know that I’m doing more work than should be on my plate right now but I committed to it so I feel like I should do a good job, right? Problem is I’m doing three jobs and not doing any of them very well. I cried more this week than I think I’ve cried so far all year. I just feel like I’m not good enough. This text conversation pretty much sums up what I know is going on which is kind of funny when you think about it because I mean I am self-aware…..

OK, onto different things. I’ve been working on my dissertation and my graduate program for my doctorate since 2017. It was a long hard journey. I re-wrote my dissertation from scratch like six times. I went through so many mentors I can’t even remember all of their names. I did my research a year ago. It took forever for my committee to agree on whether or not my study was OK enough to publish. One person said it wasn’t…three people said it was…so I was on hold longer than I should’ve been. Plus, it took me like a year to even get to the institutional review board before I could even do my research because one mentor would approve my paper and then next would say it wasn’t good enough. So what I really learned, is that a dissertation is really based on the opinions of your mentors and how they think you should be writing it, not really based on what you’ve actually written. OK, that was actually really snarky and probably not kind. I should remove it, but it’s how I feel…so I’m not going to.

I sincerely feel that if I had not had to put up with mentor personal preferences I would have finished my paper a lot sooner than I did. However, I finished my paper and I defended my paper I got approval for my paper and my paper has been published as of May 31, I am officially a Doctor of Business Administration. It is such a relief to be done, and I’m so proud of my accomplishment. There are some people in my life that I was kind of hoping would also be proud of my accomplishment…but maybe saying “I’m proud of you” is just too hard. I’m waiting to find out when in person graduation is going to be. I fully intend on being there.

The long and short of my dating history is that I lost my V card in January, finally. I’ve been on several dates. I’ve had a couple partners…maybe more than a couple. Then I went full stop. Why, you ask. It turns out that I’m allergic to Seminal Plasma. Go figure wait 37 years to have sex…allergic to sperm…awesome. Trying to get men to understand that if they want to be with me they need to wear a condom has been a lot more difficult than I would’ve expected it to be. Even when I explain what will happen to me if they don’t. But in my experience they just don’t really want to wear a condom. So honestly, the sex hasn’t been that great so until I find the right person I’m OK not having sex. Also I found someone that I am interested in, really interested in…still hoping that they turn out to be an actual person, but if you’ve read the rest of my blog you know that chances are they’re not. I guess we’ll see. There are also a few other men I’m talking to that I really like talking to. At least two of them are most likely scammers.

Something else that has changed in me over the last six months is that I wanna be completely honest always, which doesn’t always come across well, but I feel like it’s important. Honesty saves time, it saves feelings, and why wouldn’t you want to be honest with everyone. BUT that means no sugarcoating (still using tact of course). If something doesn’t feel right I say something. If someone ask me a question I answer it honestly no matter how it makes me look. I’ve been told that I’m bitchy. I’ve been told that I’m cunty. I’ve been told that I’m a prude. I’ve also been told that I’m a slut. It’s quite interesting what honesty gets you, but I will say I’ve been a lot happier since I started being who I truly am.

You may be wondering who I truly am. I think one of my friends explained it best which she said that I am sunshine and rainbows and witches and magic and the supernatural. I am going to fill your life with glitter and sparkles, but I love the dark and mysterious. I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned that Legend was my favorite movie before I ever even started kindergarten. This mug is a pretty good representation of who I am:

Why yes, that is Pennywise at the end of a unicorn rainbow 🤣.

I know I haven’t talked about tattoos or Ireland yet. Those deserve their own posts. I’ll try to get to them this week.